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  1. #1441
    Alcoholic pappy's Avatar
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    Sorry, Ace. I read your review of Jack and Jill, then went back and read my review of Jack and Jill, and I wish you had never seen the movie. It's unfair that we both had to suffer it. I totally agree, but angrier. It was bad. I hated it. I wanted everyone involved in that shithole of a movie to die in a fire after being raped by zombiewolves.


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  2. #1442
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
    Eh...? You say something Ace?
    Clearly you have never seen Redline or Crossworlds. Let's do some incredibly rare role reversal here. Defend these terrible movies to me, because they are indefensible. Even the appearance of Rutger Hauer couldn't save them.

    pappy, I'm not sorry I watched the movie, and don't hate it with the fury of a thousand suns, but I think it's only because I've seen so many things that are worse. I am truly sorry that you had to endure it. I hope that that is the worst movie you ever see in your life.


    Thankfully I found the movie that scratched my insane-o movie itch.

    Have you seen Play Mistie For Me? It's a classic, terrifying stalker movie where Clint Eastwood bones down on Lucille Bluth and she stalks him, making his life a living hell. The Cable Guy took the stalker premise and made it a comedy, but it was still clear who the stalker was, and that he was actually insane.

    All About Steve is a movie about a stalker, but the stalker is the protagonist, and it's not clear that she's insane. It's also not hiding the fact that it's about a stalker. That's part of the "humor". It's essentially a comedy about stalking, as opposed to a comedy about being stalked.

    It's also insane. Old Dogs levels of insane. Unlike Jack and Jill and its ilk, the few moments that actually made me laugh are based on the situation, not on the punch up writers. Bullock's character writes a crossword about her obsession with a guy who realizes she's crazy and doesn't sleep with her. Some guys are taking a dump, talking about the crossword. One foot extends under the stall and steps on another foot, then cut. That's it. Badmouth a crossword, hey you want to bone down?

    She submits a crossword to the paper and they don't look at it. A group of deaf children fall in a sinkhole then she does. They lower a letter to her to see if she's alive, she corrects his spelling and sends the letter back up. "PS: Did anyone lose a little deaf girl. She's fine, except for not being able to hear."

    Probably the smartest thing in the movie (possibly on accident), on her cross-country trip to stalk a cameraman, she meets someone else who clearly wants to be with her, but she misses it because she's so zoned in on being a stalker. They did miss a bet in the end, making her stop being a stalker. I was hoping that the end of the thing would have her still being obsessed with this guy, but I guess that wouldn't be heartwarming.

    I am so happy I found an insanely terrible movie. This is what I've been waiting for. This is what I wanted to find, but didn't, in Dungeon Siege I and II, Jack and Jill, Trespass and Seeking Justice.

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  3. #1443
    CEO | OneUp Studios Mustin's Avatar
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    Watched "Drive" due to many recommendations. Had some moments but didn't blow my skirt up. Before that was "Immortals," same issue with recommendations, but ultimately was not wowed.

    With both movies, Sweetie and I found ourselves saying aloud, "It's not 'Mission: Impossible 2'" several times. I hate saying that I turned off a movie because I think it's kinda pretentious to do so. But man was that a major crapfest. I want to kill John Woo in slow motion for four infinities.

  4. #1444
    Has Good Stats Henry Jones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ace! View Post
    Clearly you have never seen Redline or Crossworlds. Let's do some incredibly rare role reversal here. Defend these terrible movies to me, because they are indefensible. Even the appearance of Rutger Hauer couldn't save them.
    I know you're referring to the 2007 Redline, but there is a 2011 movie Redline that is so awesome, it probably should supernova out the previous Redline.



    Yeah yeah, anime, whatever. If you ever wanted F-Zero the movie (The individual racers even have their theme song like in GX), or you wanted the great second hour of the Speed Racer movie without the kinda' slow first hour, or you want something so awesome, it melts your face off, this is it. It is simply about the most insane interstellar race in the galaxy and that's it. Oh, there's a plot point about a bio-creature called "Funky Boy" that I think was just an excuse to get middle-aged Japanese men to shout the words "FA-UUUUUUUUUUNKY BOY!" in the middle of a sentence, but that's it for plot intricacies. But it still takes the simple plot and makes it as amazing as humanly possible. Getting into specifics would just spoil it for you.
    Manly.

  5. #1445
    I'm not even saying they're "good" movies, so the only defense I need is the "they're so bad they're hilarious" argument.

    Also, the "Redline" Ace is referring to was originally called "Deathline" or some such... it had like five different names that they couldn't settle on.

    It also had a fight scene with Hauer vs naked chicks. Seriously... How can you not like a movie that has a fight scene with Hauer vs naked chicks?


  6. #1446
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    I must have been hammered, because I don't remember that at all (I was probably hammered).

    EDIT: Henry, I've been excited for that Redline for some time. It looks fantastic.

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  7. #1447
    Quote Originally Posted by Mustin View Post
    Before that was "Immortals," same issue with recommendations, but ultimately was not wowed.
    Immortals just made me cringe on so many levels.

    Token Rhetorical Question: Did you notice the part when Perseus was giving his woefully underwhelming rallying speech that the soldiers started denting, bending and/or scratching the paint on their shields as they clapped them with their swords? They tried to hide it with some really fast cuts, but it's still painfully obvious. That's quality production value right there.


  8. #1448
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    I still haven't seen The Immortals because I'm really worried it won't be good. Tarsem's last movie, The Fall, was SO goddamned good and I don't want him to fail. Although given this and his upcoming Snow White thing...

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  9. #1449
    Chances are, Immortals will probably disappoint you. I'm sure for every one thing you "like" about this movie, there will be two things you don't. The creative liberties with mythology, the horrible writing, the phoned in acting, the blatant continuity errors, plot holes large enough to imprison a few dozen titans, that guy from Twilight playing Poseidon, Slut-Bot 200X from Revenge of the Baysplosions playing Athena, Freda using a body double for the sex scene, shitty props...

    Like it's not even a movie you'd "hate" just one you'd be disappointed in. It puts the "meh" in messy filmmaking.

    Edit:
    Which Snow White film is he working on? The dorky comedy with Unibrow and Julia Roberts or the one that would look awesome as hell if it didn't have Kristen Stewart?

    I'd really love to go see SWatH for Charlize Theron alone but goddamnit, I cannot knowingly endorse anything that attempts to put Stewart in the spotlight.
    Last edited by Jesus; 03-14-2012 at 01:28 PM.


  10. #1450
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    He's doing the Julia Roberts comedy. You have seen The Fall, haven't you? It's the polar opposite of everything you've said about Immortals. Which makes that even sadder.

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  11. #1451
    Has Good Stats Henry Jones's Avatar
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    The Fall wasn't a perfect movie, but it was a pretty damn good one, which is far more than I can say about Tarsem's The Cell and Immortals. Plus, the main character was played by the guy from Pushing Daisies who really needs more work (And is apparently getting it in The Hobbit movies, Steven Spielberg's Lincoln biopic, and.... *sigh* Breaking Dawn Part 2).
    Manly.

  12. #1452
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    It did so much right. Shooting everything with the girl at her height, emphasizing her perspective of the world, showing that the story Lee is telling her is in her head in a tiny, brilliant way (Indian vs. Indian), making that movie with no CGI, all shot in real places, over years and years and years, not telling the girl that Lee was not actually paralyzed, and that absolutely heartbreaking final narration from the girl... Any flaws are minor in the face of all of its successes.

    It was such a passionate labor of love that seeing anything but from Tarsem makes me sad.

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  13. #1453
    Quote Originally Posted by Ace! View Post
    He's doing the Julia Roberts comedy.
    Ouch... Bummer.


  14. #1454
    That Guy Who Posts Too Much
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    So I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (I know, finally). Weird movie, but I really enjoyed it. Oddly enough, it was a nonlinear narrative that I could follow pretty easily despite its nature, a cerebral movie that didn't get lost in the ideas it was trying to explore (love and memory), a reminder that I love Jim Carrey in serious roles, and the first Kate Winslet role that I really liked in forever (maybe ever). Glad I finally watched it.
    Knowledge is power; power corrupts. Therefore, knowledge corrupts. Ignorance is bliss.



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  15. #1455
    The Heavily Disputed King of the Random Variable Rush's Avatar
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    Just watched Hunger Games. It wasn't bad.
    When you are the Moon, there is a person people say is the sun. I saw the sun once, and he came past me, really fast. And it was an, it was called, the, an eclipse. And he came fast! But as he came past, I, I licked his back. And he doesn't know I licked his back! All in his yellow suit!

  16. #1456
    While I was dog-sitting for my best friend I decided to root through his movie collection.

    A History of Violence - I forgot how great this movie was.
    Spiderman 3 - Last time I saw this was in the theaters when it came out. Now in retrospect, I never realized how bad this movie really was.

    And, like Variable, I too went and saw Hunger Games. I haven't read the books or did any prior research other than finding out that it was based off the first book of a trilogy and some very general, spoiler-free info about the setting.

    That being said, I definitely got the impression that, at best, the movie could only scratch the surface of the novel. I was expecting this because, like most adaptations, you can only put so much into the movie. My "beef" was that I felt like I was missing out on a ton of subtext because I hadn't read the book. Like what's up with the three-finger salute? There seems to be a lot of weight and meaning behind that gesture, but I have no clue what it alludes to.

    SPOILER - click box below to reveal
    The really big one is the "relationship" between Katniss and Peeta. Up until the final ten minutes of the movie, I couldn't figure out for the life of me whether they were intentionally playing it up for the sake of sponsorships or whether they were really falling for each other or whether one was playing and the other was falling or vice versa.

    I figured Kat was playing it up for the crowd (despite some of her more emotional freak outs), but Peeta was just too damn ambiguous. Sometimes he appeared to be showing genuine romantic concern while other times his lines felt so cheesy, I swore he was intentionally acting up the drama.

    Then they pretty much spell it out for you at the end how both of them feel about each other... right before they show the third guy who is most likely there to cause the inevitably awkward-as-hell love triangle in the next installment.


    There are some forced leaps of logic (which are most likely very thoughtfully explained in the novel) that you have to deal with, but I'll agree with Variable in that it wasn't bad.

    And finally:

    Dear Michael Bay,
    STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD YOU FUCKING CUNT!

    Sincerely,
    My Generation
    Last edited by Jesus; 03-24-2012 at 08:31 AM.


  17. #1457
    That Guy Who Posts Too Much
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    Other movies that I watched in full for the first time this week include Up and The Shawshank Redemption. Yes, there's clearly something wrong with me for having never seen certain movies. Anyway, I really enjoyed them both. In related news, WALL-E is still my favorite Pixar movie.
    Knowledge is power; power corrupts. Therefore, knowledge corrupts. Ignorance is bliss.



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  18. #1458
    200+ Cool Boco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
    Dear Michael Bay,
    STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD YOU FUCKING CUNT!

    Sincerely,
    My Generation
    Personally, I'm really excited about "Baysplosions 4: Transforming Alien Battle Reptiles". In fact, I'm so excited that instead of seeing it I think I'll just stay home and tear off my testicles with my bare hands. And then roll around in a pile of salt for a while. >_<

  19. #1459
    That's a pretty solid idea... I remember it making Baysplosions 3: Dick up the Ass a much more enjoyable experience. I'll see if I can visit Joecam and we can have a 360 netflix night where we all do that while watching it....





    ....then take turns balling our eyes out and eating cookies in the shower of shame while listening to The Crying Game on repeat.


  20. #1460
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
    Hunger Games
    I can't recommend those books enough. I'm going to see the movie next week, and I'm trepidiously excited (can you be that?). I loved the books, but, as you said, I'm nervous not only about interpretation, but also about how much they can actually keep in there.

    As for TMNT... Where was everyone when the last one came out? I seem to remember a generally mixed response from just about everyone, and it didn't do tremendously well at the theater, if I remember correctly. So I don't blame whoever owns the property for wanting to mix it up.

    And here's where I have hope (no, I'm not going to talk about how awesome Bay is at making action movies): If you remember, from the original comic/idea set, the mutagen was from an experiment at a nearby laboratory, run by aliens. One of which happened to be a brain-like thing in a man suit. So... maybe if the turtles are "aliens" this time around, that just means they were made by aliens before getting here. Maybe.

    It could also mean that Krang will be there, so... yeah. That'll be fucking cool.

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  21. #1461
    That Guy Who Posts Too Much
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ace! View Post
    I'm trepidiously excited (can you be that?)
    Don't think so, as I can't find any evidence that that's an actual word. Perhaps you meant trepidatiously (or trepidaciously)? That seems like it might be a word if the interwebs are to be believed. Not in my handy-dandy made-with-a-printing-press Webster's, but trepidatious is in the online Merriam-Webster. (And obviously, add -ly for an adverb.)

    And if that's what you meant, then I think yes, you can be.
    Knowledge is power; power corrupts. Therefore, knowledge corrupts. Ignorance is bliss.



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  22. #1462
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    That's exactly it.

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  23. #1463
    Quote Originally Posted by Ace! View Post
    I can't recommend those books enough. I'm going to see the movie next week, and I'm trepidiously excited (can you be that?). I loved the books, but, as you said, I'm nervous not only about interpretation, but also about how much they can actually keep in there.
    From the general buzz I've been catching, what's in the movie is pretty damn spot-on to the book. But like I said, it has that "scratching the surface" feel that a lot of decent adaptations have.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ace! View Post
    As for TMNT... Where was everyone when the last one came out? I seem to remember a generally mixed response from just about everyone, and it didn't do tremendously well at the theater, if I remember correctly. So I don't blame whoever owns the property for wanting to mix it up.

    And here's where I have hope (no, I'm not going to talk about how awesome Bay is at making action movies): If you remember, from the original comic/idea set, the mutagen was from an experiment at a nearby laboratory, run by aliens. One of which happened to be a brain-like thing in a man suit. So... maybe if the turtles are "aliens" this time around, that just means they were made by aliens before getting here. Maybe.

    It could also mean that Krang will be there, so... yeah. That'll be fucking cool.
    Sure he can make a great action film, but it's not worth the price of a raped childhood.

    In a perfect world, I can see how that interpretation could work. But we're talking about Michael Bay... the Uwe Bowle of 80's cartoons. Instead of undercover aliens losing a can of ooze that mutates four turtles and a rat, we're talking about a full planet of anthro-turtles with our iconic four traveling through space and somehow ending up on earth.

    Sure you can use the alien angle so long as you don't jump the shark and get retarded about it. Bay has already gone full retard three times in a row.

    Also (and I need to do some research to verify), but I'm pretty sure that one of the guys (Eastman or Laird) sold his rights to the TMNT property like a long ass time ago and the other (who no longer holds a majority share) hasn't really given a shit about the property over the past decade. So in the grand scheme of things, their input really doesn't count for jack dick anymore.

    Besides they were the guys who made the call NOT to use fully intelligent and bad-ass Rocksteady and Bebop in TMNT II as originally scripted, instead replacing them with retarded baby-mutant-monsters. If they think they can use their former cred to back Bay and his "creative liberties", they can suck my dick because they stepped out a long time ago.


    ...and yes I'm still pissed they didn't use Rocksteady and Bebop.


  24. #1464
    CEO | OneUp Studios Mustin's Avatar
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    Me too. It was a no-brainer and they proved they have no brains.

  25. #1465
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    Rape kind of... well, it kind of seems like a strong word to be using here, especially considering (like Transformers before it) we're talking about toy lines thinly disguised as entertainment. I'm not saying that I don't love these properties, because I do, but don't forget the countless incarnations of the TF cartoon that came before the three Bay movies. Don't forget that Transformers: The Movie was meant to be a kill-fest so a new line of characters could be released in stores (I love that movie so much, and honestly, that's the way to make new toys, if you have to).

    Also, don't forget TMNT 3. Or even 2. Or the live-action TV show that had the lady turtle. Or, or, or.

    We're not talking Citizen Kane here. Think about resurrected or reimagined properties that actually came from a caring place. The Muppets were designed to entertain first, educate second and sell toys tenth. The new Muppet movie? Loving tribute. The Ducktales movie? Wonderful series of episodes that tied together into a single piece of entertainment. Toy Story 2 and 3? Loving continuation of a loving story.

    Feel upset, I guess, if you want. But don't pretend like this is some big deal that came out of the blue. The Ninja Turtles have already been "raped" worse than they will next summer. At least we have the first live action movie and that really fun CGI one from a few years ago (that everyone seems to have forgotten). Their creators surely don't give a shit (Laird's sarcastic reply (or was it Eastman?) aside), and even if he fucks it up, you can guarantee that Bay does.

    Michael Bay: He gives a shit. Fucker can't even phone in a Got Milk commercial.


    EDIT: Also, rape? Really? I guess I've been hearing a lot of that word bandied about recently, and its current pop culture definition seems to be "made mildly upset by". Kim Novak was "raped" by The Artist because a small piece of that film's score was from Vertigo, which she starred in fifty years ago. Courtney Love said her dead husband's memory was "raped" by the Muppets, because Smells Like Teen Spirit was in there as a gag.

    Maybe we can find a better word for this. Because millionaires wanting to make millions of dollars off something that made them millionaires in the first place is hardly rape.
    Last edited by Ace!; 03-26-2012 at 11:21 AM.

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  26. #1466
    CEO | OneUp Studios Mustin's Avatar
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    I really don't like the TMNT animated movie. I thought it was lousy. I do enjoy the cheesy first live-action movie. And a few elements of the 2nd. Yeah, a lot of the cartoons were pretty lousy. And remember this?


  27. #1467
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    I haven't seen those movies in forever, but several friends tell me the first one holds up really well, and the second one is still mostly a fun piece of entertainment. The third one can commit seppuku and I never saw the CGI one.

    The '90s cartoon is really pretty awful, but I don't care. TMNT (the cartoon and the toy line) were such a big part of my childhood. There are few toys (Legos, NES....that's about it) that I remember playing with as much and as far back as TMNT. When I was 5 or 6, it was my jam. Period. This alien abomination of Michael Bay's may not be raping my childhood, but it's certainly slapping it in the face. Clearly, there's no appreciation for the fans who made the property so popular in the first place.

    I didn't care as much about Transformers, because a) I never saw any of the three movies in the first place, and b) more importantly, Transformers weren't as important to little-kid me as TMNT, plain and simple. This corruption of a beloved property just hits me where it hurts a lot more.

    So yeah, I'll be upset, I guess, Ace!, if I want. Because dammit, the whole thing's wrong. It just is. And it pains me to see so much money being sunk into something that tosses aside so many good key elements unnecessarily, because that's money that will never go toward producing a remotely faithful adaptation. I think we can get another good movie out of the property, but as long as Baysplosions has his alien-loving hands on it, we won't. And that makes me unhappy.

    /rant
    Knowledge is power; power corrupts. Therefore, knowledge corrupts. Ignorance is bliss.



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  28. #1468
    Chinamerican With a ! Ace!'s Avatar
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    You're right, you can be upset. I'm not denying you that right. But how is this any different from Turtles 2 or 3 or the live action TV show? That's all I'm saying. I'm asking for some perspective. Be upset, if you want (it's really not worth the energy, as it's not going to retroactively remove your happy memories or change the content of the things you hold dear), but do remember that this isn't the first time this franchise has slapped its fans in the face. That's all I'm saying.

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  29. #1469
    I had a rather lengthy reply that addressed a good chunk of these issues and I was pretty damn sure I posted it but it seems that it somehow vanished off the face of the internet.

    On that note: I am not pleased.

    Since I have to get ready for work, I guess I'll just have to punch up the hyper-abridged version...

    TMNT 2 and 3 at least followed the continuity established by the series and, unlike Baysplosions, followed it's own continuity. The second wasn't that bad (aside from not using Rocksteady/Bebop and featuring Vanilla Ice).

    What I'm saying is just because they fucked up in the past doesn't give them the excuse to continue fucking it up now. As you so aptly stated, most of these 80's cartoons have a very simple formula that worked and worked very well. If it's not broken, stop trying to fucking fix it.

    The outrage at this alien development is pretty heavy in the TMNT community and instead of allaying everyone's fears and doubts, they're telling everyone to shut up and deal with it because they think it's "awesome".

    Remember when Bay was gushing about how "awesome" Revenge of the Baysplosions was going to be... and how it wasn't really "awesome" at all? Racist twins, Shia's retarded parents, giant robot balls, Agent Simms in a thong, Primes nuking cavemen, leg-humping decepticons... Oh yeah. Really awesome Mike... for realz.


  30. #1470
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ace! View Post
    You're right, you can be upset. I'm not denying you that right. But how is this any different from Turtles 2 or 3 or the live action TV show? That's all I'm saying. I'm asking for some perspective. Be upset, if you want (it's really not worth the energy, as it's not going to retroactively remove your happy memories or change the content of the things you hold dear), but do remember that this isn't the first time this franchise has slapped its fans in the face. That's all I'm saying.
    No reply to my comment about how Michael Bay's coming adaptation will prevent a TMNT adaptation that I'm interested in watching from being made in the near future? I think that's one of the main reasons why I'm unhappy. Also, the fact that Michael Bay is involved at all. But that last bit may not be particularly rational, at least from someone who hasn't really watched the three Transformers movies (nor do I intend to do so).

    No, it's not going to change my memories, but I'd really like to see some new TMNT content (other than the comics) that I can actually connect to. And Teenage Alien Ninjas seems like such a waste of not only resources but also studio intent to maybe take a stab at just what I'm talking about. It's just wrong-headed, and it upsets me, and plenty of other folks. I had a conversation today with the other twentysomethings (and a girl who turned 30 last year) that I work with, and they're all pretty unhappy about the whole deal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
    featuring Vanilla Ice
    A few years ago I decided that if I ever own a race horse or otherwise get to name one, that horse will be named GoNinjaGoNinjaGo. (Definitely all one word; in-caps are optional.)

    I recognize that the Vanilla Ice appearance is pretty stupid, but I just don't care.
    Knowledge is power; power corrupts. Therefore, knowledge corrupts. Ignorance is bliss.



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